Astute political observers have for months speculated on who would be the democrat presidential nominee in 2012. Some said that President Obama would cruise to the nomination in spite of his record of non-achievement, surpassing even the failures of Jimmy Carter. Other observers countered that not even the democrats would re-nominate the worst president in history. However, it now appears that Obama will coast to re-nomination. Afterward, his election strategy will be to extol his litany of failures.
That’s right, Obama intends to bask in his record of incompetence.
In politics, the message is the key and the first lesson of political campaigns is to take all your lemons and make lemonade. You must expose all your weaknesses before your opponent does so and you must take all your weaknesses and spin them into strengths. For example, if you are completely inexperienced, lacking any record of achievement, and devoid of any relevant substantive knowledge you must spin those defects into strengths by focusing on catchy slogans like “Hope and Change” or “We are the ones we have been waiting for”. People love catchy slogans.
We know the Obama strategy because we have received an advance copy of the stump speech that Obama will be using on the campaign trail. We got this speech from our sources in the White House. Even though it’s highly secret it was given to us because they are so proud of this message they could not wait to get it out. This is a big scoop for us. The following is the actual transcript (with teleprompter notations left in) of the stump speech Obama will be using this fall. As you will see, the speech makes ample use of the “lemons to lemonade” requirement.
Here’s the Obama stump speech.
“My friends, it is so great to see so many of you here in ___________________ today. What a great crowd on this fine day. (pause for applause). I am so glad to see so many of you were able to get away from work today (pause for laughter) and come to our rally.
Its been a fun time since my election in 2008 but we have more to do. And with your help and your votes we will continue our work in making America great again. (pause for applause.)
As you know, we have faced significant hurdles since we inherited the worst crisis in American history from George Bush and his loyal assistant, Darth Vader. (pause for laughter). But we have made great progress and we are not done yet.
We have spent these last three years solving many problems. But our greatest hurdle is still out there, waiting for my genius and leadership and our next four years of uncanny problem solving.
I am speaking of course about the problem of obesity. My wife Michelle has lead the way on this issue, raising awareness nationwide and today I am happy to say that in our next four years we will bring the entire focus of the federal government to bear on solving this problem. It’s been too long ignored while the Republicans tried to distract us with foreign wars, terrorist attacks, near economic collapse, recession, and now inflation. We must not let the Republicans distract us from the problem of obesity any longer. (pause for applause).
Our achievements in setting the groundwork to crush the scourge of obesity have been many but they have been obscured by distractions. But no longer! Now is our time! Now is our moment! Now is our hour! Now is now! (pause for applause).
Let’s us look at our record of achievement thus far and let us see together how these achievements have set the stage to eliminate obesity by 2020. Let us follow the path set by John Kennedy when he led this great nation to the moon in just ten years. We will end obesity. We will all be skinny. Imagine a world where everyone can sit in a standard sized chair! Imagine a world where everyone can fit through a turnstile! Imagine the end of fatness!! (pause for applause). We can do it! Yes we can! Yes we can! Yes we can! (pause for chanting).
Allow me to show you the progress we have made in just three short years. Allow me to show you the vision of 4 more years of the Obama War On Fat!! (pause for applause).
Our War on Fat is multifaceted but there are some key ingredients.
First, we must all get more exercise. This is why we have pursued policies to drive up the cost of energy, particularly gasoline. As a result of my leadership gasoline is now approaching $5.00 per gallon with hopes that we can push it higher. This means fewer and fewer people can afford to drive and must walk to get around, carry groceries home from the store, and ride bicycles to work. Schools can no longer afford buses so kids have to walk to school just like our grandparents. The fat is melting off millions of Americans as a result of my successful programs to make driving your cars too expensive!! (pause for applause). George Bush just talked about getting in shape. Under my leadership, Americans are actually doing it!!
Second, we must eat less to cut the calories. That is why we have pursued policies to drive up the cost of essential fool items like bread, milk, eggs, meat of all types, and many of the other goodies that turn you into fat slobs. Under my leadership food costs are now skyrocketing out of control, even for those of you who shop at Wal-Mart. Between the cost of driving and the cost of food a record number of Americans can no longer afford to eat at restaurants and are forced to consume cheap nutritional items like brussel sprouts and cabbage. Calorie counts are dropping spectacularly and Michelle’s new book, “ The Auschwitz Diet” is flying off the shelves. Millions of you are re-discovering that great childhood favorite food, fresh dirt. Remember those great times in the backyard eating dirt with your brother? Well America, I say Happy Days Are Here Again!! Dirt for dinner. Dirt for dinner! Dirt for dinner! (pause for chanting).
Third, we must have more free time to conquer obesity. That why I have worked to steadily increase unemployment to record levels. Under George Bush unemployment was held for years at 5% or less, depriving you of free time with your family for bonding and recreation. Under my leadership we have been able to increase unemployment to nearly 10% and we have kept it there! (pause for applause.) But that’s not all. The really good news is that if we count all the people who have been out of work so long they no longer get free money from the government the actual unemployment rate, thanks to my leadership and policies, is actually over 15%. We have been able to reduce the total number of Americans with jobs to record levels. But we won’t stop here. Our goal is to create vast numbers of out of work Americans and get to levels never before achieved. Why is this important you ask? Well, it’s all part of our anti obesity battle. Along with the Auschwitz diet Americans need more free time to spend growing vegetables in their backyard gardens, raising chickens and rabbits for protein, and making compost for fertilizer when petroleum based fertilizers become too expensive. It will take time to build the methane digesters to dispose of the chicken and rabbit poop and create natural gas to heat your homes. It will take time to walk to the store to get groceries and my unemployment plan is a part of the effort to see that you all have the free time you need to complete these new tasks and perfect these new hobbies!! (pause for applause.)
Fourth, we must remove the burden of debt on Americans. That’s why I have raised the national debt to completely unsustainable levels. Under my leadership America can no longer afford to pay its debts without massive tax increases on everyone. These tax increases will relieve all Americans from the burden of saving and investing their own money. No longer will you have to worry about buying certificates of deposit from your local bank or deciding which mutual funds to buy. You will now be able to spend your free time learning to can fruit from your backyard tree and working to pull weeds from your tomato patch. Financial freedom is finally available to all Americans as a result of my genius and leadership!! With this freedom you will be able to build a sustainable future and avoid starvation and freezing to death in the dark!! (pause for applause)
Fifth, we all need to take care of our health. Being skinny in am important part of being a healthy American. To achieve this, my new policies are driving up the cost of health insurance and making health care unaffordable to record numbers of Americans. Under my leadership and policies record numbers of doctors and nurses are quitting their jobs. Our goal is to make the health care business completely un-profitable and force the private hospitals and clinics to sell their operations to the federal government at bargain prices. We will enforce new standards of free health care with long lines to see a doctor and restrictions on services for thousands of people we know are not really that sick anyway. The folks who are allowed to wait in line for a doctor will have plenty of time to do so because of my successful unemployment policies and the folks who can’t see a doctor or nurse will have lots of time to do their own research into home remedies and simple self administered surgeries. Remember the good old days when Americans pulled their own teeth and set their own broken bones with home made splints? Well I tell you, we will return to those happy days in my next four years and everyone will have a new feeling of achievement and self sufficiency! Happy Days Are Here Again!” (pause for applause). Remember those great days of your childhood when you would fall out of a tree and break your arm and Dad would say, “Don’t be a pussy. Buck up and be a man!” Well, folks that’s where we are headed. Back to the days when we didn’t run to the emergency room for every little thing like childbirth or diarrhea. Under my leadership, America will be tough again! Tough and skinny! Tough and skinny! Tough and skinny! (pause for chanting)
Sixth, we need to address the problem of excess infrastructure. To much infrastructure makes it possible to live the easy life and get fat and happy. That’s why under my leadership and policies we have let our national infrastructure crumble and deteriorate while we spend trillions of borrowed dollars in graft and crony capitalism with payouts to my union buddies, big private corporations like GM, Chrysler, AIG, General Electric, Fannie Mae and Freddy Mac, and thousands of other deserving businesses who made stupid business decisions, gave money to my campaign, and were headed to bankruptcy. Each day under my leadership we have worked to let our bridges and roads deteriorate. But don’t worry my friends. Roads, bridges, shipping ports, airports, fire stations, and public parks are over-rated.. Without affordable fuel for cars and trucks Americans no longer need all those luxuries. Who needs six lanes of freeway for bicycles I ask? Think of it my friends. Millions of skinny white folks riding bicycles and walking and your government saving billions of dollars on infrastructure maintenance and replacement. It’s a dream come true for us all I say! (pause for applause).
Seventh, we need to stop spending beyond our means. Under my leadership we are well on our way to solving the problem of deficit spending. For the past three years under my leadership we have spent way more money than we had. We have borrowed trillions of new dollars and squandered the money on silly projects like windmills and solar panels in the deserts. We have built ethanol plants that are doomed to bankruptcy and manufactured expensive electric cars that no one wants to drive. In short, we have borrowed trillions and spent the money on stuff that will soon have little or no value. But the real beauty of this is my genius plan. We are printing paper money likes there’s no tomorrow to make the dollar worth less and less every minute that passes. In my next four years this plan will come to full fruition and our creditors will stop lending us any more money. They will demand payment on the trillions of dollars in debt and we will print enough money to pay them all back. Viola!! No more deficit and no more borrowing. Just give me more time in the White House and I will completely solve this problem, while you are happily working in your garden and walking your kids to school!!! (pause for applause).
Eighth, we must not forget the environment. We all know how important it is to protect nature from the scourge of humanity. But with my energy program and with fuel costs too high for farmers to make a profit or for truckers to deliver products the huge corporate farms will close down and the land will revert to nature. Americans will learn again to be frugal and stop wasting perfectly good food. The joys of the Auschwitz Diet will be felt by all. Wild animals will once again roam the great plains. Without credit and the ability to borrow we will stop building new factories that destroy the land and pollute the air and water. People will learn to fix things again!! (pause for applause). Wild animals will return to our rural areas and people will once again learn to experience nature as they confront bears, cougars, coyotes and wolves in their yards. (pause for applause). No more will little children have to ride in cars and busses to zoos to learn about nature!! (pause for applause) Nature will come to them!!
Ninth, we must address the issue of housing in America. With four more years we can continue my successful policies to solve the many problems caused by housing in America. We will solve the problems of urban sprawl and human encroachment on wildlife habitat for new homes in suburbs and rural areas. Since 2008 my policies have systematically destroyed the value of millions of homes all across America and driven contractors and home builders out of business. These people are enjoying unprecedented free time while they do small remodel jobs and paint homes for their neighbors. Under my leadership we have finally made it possible for Americans to break their addiction to homes with expensive appliances, TV’s and big yards that waste water and need fertilizer. Millions of Americans are no longer slaves to home ownership with the costs of mortgages, taxes and repairs. These people are now free to enjoy bonding and companionship with brothers, sisters, parents, cousins and even friends as they move into spare rooms and basements.. We have even seen cases of enterprising former homeowners living in converted sheds and chicken coops. As a result of my leadership and policies American ingenuity is alive and well!!! (pause for applause). And to top it all these former homeowners no longer are lying around on fancy couches watching Netflix movies. They are busy trying to grow some food or fix old bicycles, all the while conquering the problem of obesity.
My fellow Americans. All this I have done for you. But our time together has just begun. With all these achievements in place we are now on the cusp of a new beginning. A time is coming of skinny white folks growing their own food, making their own fuel, learning about animal husbandry and experiencing nature like they have never before. Such is my genius and with your votes and another four years we will achieve so much more together! (pause for applause).
Thank you my friends. As you leave here today and you contemplate all I have done for you just remember, You Ain’t Seen Nothing Yet!!!”
So there you have it. The first Obama stump speech for the next election. What an inspiration! A positive view for an American renaissance!!
caughtinavortex 