On May 25, 2011 the federal agency in charge of sexually molesting airline passengers (the TSA) took a stand against the State of Texas and its proposed law to prevent sexual molestation by the agency employees. The day the proposed Texas law came for a final vote in the Texas Senate the TSA threatened to shut down all passenger airline flights out of Texas.
No kidding. I am not making this up. The TSA decided that if passengers are allowed to board airplanes without the threat of sexual molestation flying would be too dangerous to continue.
TSA Threatens to Cancel all Flights in Texas.
Now let’s get one thing straight right up front. We all know that terrorists are trying to use little children, accompanied by their parents, to carry bombs strapped to their genitals onto airplanes. Therefore, the children must be groped before boarding the planes. Additionally, it is a known fact that many American women, especially those with large breasts, routinely attempt to blow up airplanes by hiding bombs between their boobs. Therefore, young and voluptuous women must be groped as well. It’s just that simple.
The good news is the groping and molesting program of innocent American citizens run by the federal government has been enormously successful. Not a single American woman has tried to smuggle a tit bomb onto a plane and not a single child has tried to smuggle a crotch bomb onto a plane. Obviously, the program is working.
Furthermore, the TSA threat to shut down passenger aviation in Texas successfully stopped the passage of the law to prevent sexual groping in that state.
This causes me to think of other ways that the federal government could similarly act to keep us all safe.
1. We all know that many Americans are fat. I think that the FDA should threaten to stop all sales of baked goods in any state that gives business licenses to doughnut shops.
2. We all know that carbon dioxide is causing hurricanes, tornadoes, earthquakes, floods, mass extinctions, and the destruction of planet earth. I think the EPA should threaten to prohibit all driving in any state that attempts to tax electric cars.
3. We all know that SUV’s cause deadly accidents because they take longer distances to stop when driven at high speeds. I think the Federal Department of Transportation should threaten to shut down all interstate highways in states that allow SUV’s to drive in HOV lanes.
4. We all know that requiring personal identification before voting discriminates against minorities. I think the Federal Marshals should shut down all polling stations and all elections in any state that tries to require potential voters to prove who they are.
5. We all know that only public schools can provide an adequate education for children. I think the Federal Department of Education should threaten to shut down all schools in states that allow parents to home school their children.
6. We all know that Medicare provides the best possible health care insurance for anyone over 65 years of age and that no one over 65 years of age is intellectually capable of finding better insurance on their own. I think the Federal Department of Health and Human Services should threaten to close down all hospitals and medical clinics in any state that allows persons over 65 to leave the state and go to another country to get medical services.
7. We all know that many species of fish are threatened with extinction. I think the Federal Department of Fish and Wildlife should threaten to ban the sales of all boats in any state that allows someone to catch fish just for fun.
8. We all know that guns kill children. I think that the Federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms should threaten to close all sporting goods stores in states that allow gun sales.
These simple measures would make life in America much safer and stop much of the destructive behavior that causes injury and death and harm to the environment when states allow people to do what ought not to be done.
Sure, it might be that some people would feel a little less free. But wouldn’t it be worth it to give up a few things in order to be so much safer? Besides, who really needs to eat doughnuts anyway?
caughtinavortex 