More Liberal Energy Ideas
One of my past literary efforts is an old post, Liberal Energy Ideas. In it, I review the efforts of liberals in America to create the kind of energy future they want.
Well, I have a confession. I have been holding out on you. The earlier post was just a portion of the wisdom I have received from my liberal friends regarding energy. Therefore, it’s time for an update. MORE GREAT LIBERAL ENERGY IDEAS!
This year I went to our local Earth Day celebration. Since I am an old guy I recall the very first Earth Day. I was a sophomore in High School in a small town in western Americana. I was concerned about the environment. In fact, I had just finished reading, “The Population Bomb” by Paul Ehrlich and his wife. (go here for more info.) The book had my young mind in a state of despair. According to Ehrlich we were all doomed to starvation in the very near future. Ehrlich was a true liberal doomsayer. Like Algore. Plus, just like Algore virtually everything he believed and predicted was (and is) wrong.
On that first ever Earth Day our Social Studies class full of young minds had a speaker. He was a Democrat State Representative. An early model, late 60’s political liberal. I asked him a few questions. He was as dumb as a stump. Even I, as a sophomore in high school could see how stupid he was. Therefore, being as dumb as a stump, he enjoyed a successful career as a democrat politician. He went on to become a State Senator and then held various other elected offices until he finally retired, after which he continued to suck on the public teat with a public pension until he died. (That experience was my Libertarian genesis. At the tender age of sixteen I realized it is hopeless to rely on elected morons for solutions to problems.)
Anyway, that was my first Earth Day and last weekend I went to another Earth Day event in our local park. Wow! It was great. Young hippies and old hippies in tie dye shirts and skirts and dreadlocks. There were lots of old guys with beer bellies, long hair and sandals. I am not making this up. Liberals as a group have no idea how ridiculous they look and act.
The whole theme of the Earth Day event was Saving Energy to Save the Planet. So here are some of the great ideas.
1. Electric Bicycles. I got to see my first up close and personal electric bicycles. Starting at the low, low price of just over $2,000.00 (with a special 10% “Earth Day Discount”) the electric bicycles had a heavy duty battery on the rear rack and were built to resemble the Huffy bikes of our baby boomer childhoods. Totally overpriced, virtually worthless as a bicycle, but with bright yellow, red and green paint jobs. Another great liberal energy idea.
But I asked myself? What is the point of an electric bicycle?. Aren’t bicycles supposed to us “HUMAN POWER”? How about some PHYSICAL EXERCISE? THAT’S THE WHOLE POINT OF A BICYCLE!!! Leave it to American Baby Boomer FMI Liberals to invent and promote something as absurd as an electric bicycle. I suspect they will sell about as well as battery powered cars.
But obviously, the only thing separating electric bicycles from the same success enjoyed by solar energy companies like Solyndra is the lack of adequate government subsidies. What we really need is more support for electric bicycles from politicians in Washington D.C. willing and able to spend taxpayer dollars backing this latest great idea. I’m thinking of some free electric bicycle accessories. How about a government paid pair of spandex bicycle shorts to go with every new electric bicycle purchase? Just think how happy these overweight, excess self esteem, 60 something liberals would be riding around town on their battery bicycles in their skin tight shorts? We could even give away bicycle bumper stickers for the back of every bike that say, “The Moon is out at Noon”.
2. The Chevrolet Volt From Government Motors. I know, I know, the Volt is no longer a new idea. But I finally got to see my first Chevy Volt. (I have never seen one on the road). It was kind of embarrassing standing there by myself looking at the worst $40,000 car every produced. Tiny, tinny, uninspired, and boring. The perfect car for liberals. It had a big banner on the side saying, “All Electric Car”.
The hood was open, so I could look at the engine just like any typical read blooded American male should. I gazed in awe at the tiny little gas powered engine. Then it hit me. THIS “ELECTRIC” CAR HAS A GAS ENGINE!! It runs on gasoline. It needs the gas engine so that when you are driving to the grocery store and the battery goes dead you can use the gas engine to charge the battery so you can get home. I walked off shaking my head knowing that my tax dollars are being spent to pay for these silly things. But at least no one else was looking at the car. The crowds were all over at the used book booth buying old Tom Clancy novels for 50 cents and at the organic oatmeal cookie booth and at the hand knit wool cap booth. Maybe we should help Government Motors some more and raise the subsidy for G.M. Volts and give away a dozen granola cookies and a free, knit wool hat!
3. Residential Windmills. The local Public Utility District had a windmill display. I have seen this booth before. Its cool. Put a windmill next to your house and they will pay you for the electricity. You can even get a small grant to help pay the $20,000 to $30,000 it will cost to evaluate your site, install your windmill, and hook it to the grid. Of course, you won’t try and live on the energy it creates. If you did you would freeze to death in the dark because you would only have electricity occasionally when the wind is blowing. So what you do is hook it to the grid and then it spins your meter backwards when the wind blows. It will pay for itself in 30 to 40 years, depending upon your location. Plus, at night you (and your neighbors) can lie awake and listen to your windmill spinning.
I lie awake at night and wonder why my money is being used to pay for someone’s stupid windmill. But really, it is not enough to just give away our money to support the free thinking (or is that free loading?) enviros for their windmills. We should be more generous. What if we give away free ear plugs for the neighbors and coffee mugs for the windmill owners with the catchy slogan, “I Mill the Wind! What About YOU?”
4. Urban Chicken Farms. I also learned it is now cool to raise chickens in your yard. Liberals love chickens I guess. It used to be a sign of poverty if you had to raise your own chickens but now it is a cool liberal energy-saving idea. You get free range eggs, from happy chickens, who only eat organic chicken food, and who are really cool and intelligent birds. Actually, that part is a lie. In fact, the whole urban chicken farming thing is a silly lie. Chickens are noisy, smelly, dirty, amazingly stupid birds, descendants of dinosaurs.
Where I live some of our neighbors raise chickens, because they are poor. The roosters wake up the whole neighborhood at 4:00 am every morning. They crow all day. They are worse than barking dogs. But at least these people eat their own eggs and their own chickens. Some of the liberals who raise chickens try to sell the eggs for $5.00 a dozen. (They have pretty hand painted egg cartons.) So not only are they raising stupid, dirty, smelly, noisy animals in their backyards, they are trying to pass off their eggs for twice the price of good free range organic eggs in my local store. Another great liberal idea. Save energy by having an urban chicken farm that annoys your neighbors and then try and rip them off with the overpriced eggs. Liberals make great friends. Unless they are in your neighborhood. I wonder if we could have residential zoning that prohibited liberals? Or maybe I need to be more compassionate and supportive. I know, lets sell t-shirts that say, “Don’t Take a Lickin’, Hug a Chicken!” Or better yet, we could distribute free hand made wool hats embossed with, “My Eggs are Firm and Happy! What about Yours?”
5. Urban Organic Salad Gardens. Liberals think you can save lots of energy by growing your own organic salad greens. There was a booth with a grizzled old hippy wearing a hand knitted vest over his beer belly, selling organic lettuce, romaine, tomato, pepper, herb, and other plant starts. The plants were about 5 times the price of the same type plant starts at Wal Mart but these were obviously better. Some people bought them but most just walked on by. I guess they just don’t appreciate the advantages of growing your own organic herbs in your yard. Think of the gas that is wasted driving to Safeway to buy lettuce when you could simply dig up your grass and grow your own? Your kids will be happy eating nutritious salads along with the little green horned worms that thrive on your plants. Better yet, you could brag to your friends how much more spunky you feel now that you have organic protein in every salad! Our new gardening motto could be, “Be Green. Save the Earth. Eat a Grub”.
6. Urban Composting. This is a great way to save energy. Spend a couple hundred dollars for a round, human powered compostor for your yard. You save your egg shells, potato peels, apple cores, coffee grounds, uneaten grubs, the chicken shit from your nasty backyard chickens, and all the other garbage you want to get rid of, put it in your compostor with some enzymes sprinkled on the top and in 30-40 days you have excellent compost to spread on your organic salad garden to keep the worms healthy. Just go out every couple days, dump in some garbage, and turn the crank to rotate your nifty compostor. I think this would be fun to do while listening to some Neal Young on my I-pod. No more shopping at the farmer’s market for fresh vegetables grown by someone who knows what he is doing. You will save lot’s of energy by reducing the volume of your weekly garbage and get fit while working out in the yard spinning your composter. Think of all the compliments you will get as the weight disappears and your gut or boobs stop sagging while you save the planet from the horrors of wrongful disposal of re-usable common garbage. You will feel every bit as self righteous as the hybrid car drivers!
7. Urban Earth Worm Farming. This is a real sleeper in the liberal backpack of great energy ideas. Every year billions of barrels of oil are wasted raising farm animals to feed greedy gut Americans. All those farms and ranches for cows, pigs, turkeys, and chickens (except the one’s in your back yard) are huge consumers of oil and gas. Now there is a simple, healthy alternative. Just purchase one of the new, improved earthworm habitat kits (only $599.00 complete and ready to assemble). Think of it like “Condos for Earthworms”. Then, you add your quality compost (and a few organic green leafy veggies from your garden and a bit of chicken poop from the coop) and “PRESTO”, great gobs of chewy earthworm protein that your kids will love. We all remember the fat kid at the bus stop that ate earthworms on a dare. Now, all your children can be that same dorky kid and feast on your home grown, organic earth worms from your own backyard. Millions of barrels of oil will be saved as Americans eat healthy on their own supply of delicious worms. Cut ’em’, grind ’em, fry ’em, bake ’em. Save the Planet! Dump the red meat! Love a Cow! Eat Worms! You could have a sweat shirt that says, “I Learned about Earth Worms at Earth Day” and everybody would know how Green you are.
You are probably thinking all these great liberal energy ideas are just pie in the sky, unrealistic, shop worn, re-cycled nonsense from the sixties aren’t you? Well, stop being so selfish. Think of the hundreds of new, high paying green jobs for college graduates inventing, designing, and building bigger and better electric bicycles. Think of the hundreds of indebted college students who will have a way to pay the interest on their student loans while working the rewarding new green jobs generated by earthworm condos.
Come on America. Raise a Chicken. Eat a Worm. Hug a Windmill. Cast aside your stodgy, fossil fuel past and embrace the future! Hope and Change is here at last!